Tu me manques

"In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.”

I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you."

I know what this is like to miss someone who became a part of you. Even though he isn't far from me and I see him every other day his presence in my life and my presence in his isn't the same anymore. It's hard when someone becomes so close to you that they are a part of you and then things change and it's not the same again. Having shared so many moments, laughs, sadness, a child, years etc. Not completely strangers but not the same closeness as before. How things and time can change someone. It hurts me to the core and it will take me a while to get over this and to heal.

It's hard when you love someone so much and then have to let it all go or at least try to, cause that's what I am doing,  trying to let go. What also hurts is wanting to let that person know how you really feel but not being able to. So I guess that's why I keep talking about him here because this is my only medium/outlet I can say what I want to say. Though I am learning to function without him, it still seems strange. He seems to be doing well without me, guess I wasn't a part of him.

I don't mind allowing people to see how I feel about him, it is what it is and it's nothing I am ashamed of.

So to him "tu me manques."


Sincerely,
Me

I want

We all want things in life, whether we need it or not is a different story. Here are some of what I want:-

• To launch my clothing lines
• To get some money to help me with my business
• To stop working too jobs and do my own thing
• To be more present in my son's life
• To find someone to share my life with
• To be in love again
• To finish school
• To take a trip
• To get my own home for my son and I
• To get a car 
• To have another child // want 3 kids in total
• To be on better terms with my son's father
• To be a better person
• To get a dog 
• To find an invention that helps with permanent hair removal from underarms, legs and cooch area // not harmful to the body
• To get another tattoo // actually a lot more 
• To sew, sew, sew // more time to be able to sew
• To be a better mother

Sincerely, 

Me

My son gives me strength

My heart is broken || I cry practically everyday || I am overly stressed || I hate working so much || I feel like I miss out on a lot of Jaz's life || working on making a dream come to life all on my own isn't easy || I miss having someone there

But then moments when we are together || he sticks his hand down my shirt n snuggles up beside me || hugs me tight || gives me kisses || makes silly faces with me || have convos || and tells me he loves me makes me able to go on that much more || makes me suck it up n work that much harder because it is all for him || I am enough for him and he loves me regardless of my imperfections.

I thank God for my son || my muse || my strength || for he makes even the hardest of days, bearable.

Sincerely,
Me

I can no longer

I can no longer act like I am "ok"

I can no longer be your friend

I can no longer hang

I can no longer just have sex with you

Just the thought of you breaks my heart. You make me feel unwanted, unloved,  unworthy and unappreciated.  You say you have so much to say but cannot find it in you to say it, well I have so much to say also but I want to express it. 

You no longer find comfort in my company

You no longer find me as your safe place

You no longer open up to me

You no longer care for the tears I shed

You walk away each and every time a situation arises or ignore the words I express.  I love you from the deepest part of my heart and soul.

But I can no longer do this

I can no longer hold back the tears

I can no longer keep calm.

You say you need to get your shit together and I need to get my heart and head together.  I need to learn to love me without you, cause I have no idea how to do that. I miss who we used to be but I need to stop living in the past. 

We are no longer a unit.

We are no longer meant to be.

I pray for you each day and will always want the best for you.  So I shall say goodbye, and though we are forever a part of each other's life, I am walking away from you & me.

Sincerely, 

Me

New York, New York

Oh how I miss my NY, my second home. How do I go from seeing you every year to 4 years without me showing my face?

I miss the subway.
I miss the busyness.
I miss the metro cards.
I miss the HOT DOGS!!!
I miss exploring you.
I miss what you have been to me.
I miss you.

Lately friends of mine have been posting pictures of their NY experience and I am so jealous.  But don't worry, I shall be there next year. I shall bring my munchkin and show him what he's missing. Show him how full of life you are.

Sincerely,
Me

Jaz says the darnedest things // 01

Since my son has some epic things that he says I'll be posting them.

Yesterday as we chilled in grandma's room:-

Jaz: Mommy I'm hungry

Me: What do you want to eat?

Jaz: Food

Me: What food? Porridge, egg, fruit loops? 

Jaz : Banana chips

Me : That's not food. You're taking that to school anyway. 

Jaz : I want to go to school now.

He think he slick lol. Love him.

Sincerely, 

Me

Tuesday's should be his days off too

Tuesday's are my day off, no job in the day nor night. So most times I wake late and my mom doesn't rush to get ready since she doesn't have to take me to work. My son usually "suffers" because then we drop him off late and honestly half the time I don't even want to let him go, unless I have things to do on the road, because I want to just hug him up, watch cartoons with him and play games. Swear if I wasn't trying to be responsible, Tuesday's would be his days off too.

Monday my mom went to Portland and was to come back in early yesterday to take my son to school. As we waited for her to come, we sprawled all over her bed, took mirror pics, drank tea together, played and eventually a let him watch some cartoons over the net on live stream. I enjoyed every minute of it. My mom didn't reach in till late therefore Jaz, who still wanted to go to school and since I had to go on the road to deal with something, I let him ( if I didn't I would have kept him home lol), got there at something to 12.

After I finished doing what I had to do or not doing what I was supposed to do because the person I was to meet with couldn't meet anymore,  I headed home. On the way home I got a call from one of my favourite mom friends asking me to come by. Her daughter, who is her second child is a day older than Jaz. We officially met in the hospital after seeing each other at doctor visits for months. Anyway, since I was going there I decided to go get Jaz from school. Mind you it was almost 2pm therefore Jaz had only been at school for 2 hours. *covers face*

I spend so little time than I would like with him due to my jobs so when I get time with him I really don't want to let him go. So really I do believe Tuesday's should be his day off too.

 

Sincerely, 

Me