Tear jerker

The other day my friend messaged me saying that my blog is a tear jerker. So I was like I need to liven it up or maybe my life is just depressing.

Is it really that I live a sad and depressing life? I know I express my feelings, which tend to be things that I have no one to talk to about.  Maybe I need to post more interesting and fun stuff, like more epic things jaz says or does or share my crazy days with my friend and her kids or just interesting shit that happens to me throughout my work day. Idk.

It'll come I guess. Until then I shall continue to post about my sad life lol.

Sincerely,
Me

Tu me manques

"In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.”

I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you."

I know what this is like to miss someone who became a part of you. Even though he isn't far from me and I see him every other day his presence in my life and my presence in his isn't the same anymore. It's hard when someone becomes so close to you that they are a part of you and then things change and it's not the same again. Having shared so many moments, laughs, sadness, a child, years etc. Not completely strangers but not the same closeness as before. How things and time can change someone. It hurts me to the core and it will take me a while to get over this and to heal.

It's hard when you love someone so much and then have to let it all go or at least try to, cause that's what I am doing,  trying to let go. What also hurts is wanting to let that person know how you really feel but not being able to. So I guess that's why I keep talking about him here because this is my only medium/outlet I can say what I want to say. Though I am learning to function without him, it still seems strange. He seems to be doing well without me, guess I wasn't a part of him.

I don't mind allowing people to see how I feel about him, it is what it is and it's nothing I am ashamed of.

So to him "tu me manques."


Sincerely,
Me

I want

We all want things in life, whether we need it or not is a different story. Here are some of what I want:-

• To launch my clothing lines
• To get some money to help me with my business
• To stop working too jobs and do my own thing
• To be more present in my son's life
• To find someone to share my life with
• To be in love again
• To finish school
• To take a trip
• To get my own home for my son and I
• To get a car 
• To have another child // want 3 kids in total
• To be on better terms with my son's father
• To be a better person
• To get a dog 
• To find an invention that helps with permanent hair removal from underarms, legs and cooch area // not harmful to the body
• To get another tattoo // actually a lot more 
• To sew, sew, sew // more time to be able to sew
• To be a better mother

Sincerely, 

Me

My son gives me strength

My heart is broken || I cry practically everyday || I am overly stressed || I hate working so much || I feel like I miss out on a lot of Jaz's life || working on making a dream come to life all on my own isn't easy || I miss having someone there

But then moments when we are together || he sticks his hand down my shirt n snuggles up beside me || hugs me tight || gives me kisses || makes silly faces with me || have convos || and tells me he loves me makes me able to go on that much more || makes me suck it up n work that much harder because it is all for him || I am enough for him and he loves me regardless of my imperfections.

I thank God for my son || my muse || my strength || for he makes even the hardest of days, bearable.

Sincerely,
Me

I can no longer

I can no longer act like I am "ok"

I can no longer be your friend

I can no longer hang

I can no longer just have sex with you

Just the thought of you breaks my heart. You make me feel unwanted, unloved,  unworthy and unappreciated.  You say you have so much to say but cannot find it in you to say it, well I have so much to say also but I want to express it. 

You no longer find comfort in my company

You no longer find me as your safe place

You no longer open up to me

You no longer care for the tears I shed

You walk away each and every time a situation arises or ignore the words I express.  I love you from the deepest part of my heart and soul.

But I can no longer do this

I can no longer hold back the tears

I can no longer keep calm.

You say you need to get your shit together and I need to get my heart and head together.  I need to learn to love me without you, cause I have no idea how to do that. I miss who we used to be but I need to stop living in the past. 

We are no longer a unit.

We are no longer meant to be.

I pray for you each day and will always want the best for you.  So I shall say goodbye, and though we are forever a part of each other's life, I am walking away from you & me.

Sincerely, 

Me

New York, New York

Oh how I miss my NY, my second home. How do I go from seeing you every year to 4 years without me showing my face?

I miss the subway.
I miss the busyness.
I miss the metro cards.
I miss the HOT DOGS!!!
I miss exploring you.
I miss what you have been to me.
I miss you.

Lately friends of mine have been posting pictures of their NY experience and I am so jealous.  But don't worry, I shall be there next year. I shall bring my munchkin and show him what he's missing. Show him how full of life you are.

Sincerely,
Me

Jaz says the darnedest things // 01

Since my son has some epic things that he says I'll be posting them.

Yesterday as we chilled in grandma's room:-

Jaz: Mommy I'm hungry

Me: What do you want to eat?

Jaz: Food

Me: What food? Porridge, egg, fruit loops? 

Jaz : Banana chips

Me : That's not food. You're taking that to school anyway. 

Jaz : I want to go to school now.

He think he slick lol. Love him.

Sincerely, 

Me