Tu me manques

"In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.”

I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you."

I know what this is like to miss someone who became a part of you. Even though he isn't far from me and I see him every other day his presence in my life and my presence in his isn't the same anymore. It's hard when someone becomes so close to you that they are a part of you and then things change and it's not the same again. Having shared so many moments, laughs, sadness, a child, years etc. Not completely strangers but not the same closeness as before. How things and time can change someone. It hurts me to the core and it will take me a while to get over this and to heal.

It's hard when you love someone so much and then have to let it all go or at least try to, cause that's what I am doing,  trying to let go. What also hurts is wanting to let that person know how you really feel but not being able to. So I guess that's why I keep talking about him here because this is my only medium/outlet I can say what I want to say. Though I am learning to function without him, it still seems strange. He seems to be doing well without me, guess I wasn't a part of him.

I don't mind allowing people to see how I feel about him, it is what it is and it's nothing I am ashamed of.

So to him "tu me manques."


Sincerely,
Me

I want

We all want things in life, whether we need it or not is a different story. Here are some of what I want:-

• To launch my clothing lines
• To get some money to help me with my business
• To stop working too jobs and do my own thing
• To be more present in my son's life
• To find someone to share my life with
• To be in love again
• To finish school
• To take a trip
• To get my own home for my son and I
• To get a car 
• To have another child // want 3 kids in total
• To be on better terms with my son's father
• To be a better person
• To get a dog 
• To find an invention that helps with permanent hair removal from underarms, legs and cooch area // not harmful to the body
• To get another tattoo // actually a lot more 
• To sew, sew, sew // more time to be able to sew
• To be a better mother

Sincerely, 

Me

My son gives me strength

My heart is broken || I cry practically everyday || I am overly stressed || I hate working so much || I feel like I miss out on a lot of Jaz's life || working on making a dream come to life all on my own isn't easy || I miss having someone there

But then moments when we are together || he sticks his hand down my shirt n snuggles up beside me || hugs me tight || gives me kisses || makes silly faces with me || have convos || and tells me he loves me makes me able to go on that much more || makes me suck it up n work that much harder because it is all for him || I am enough for him and he loves me regardless of my imperfections.

I thank God for my son || my muse || my strength || for he makes even the hardest of days, bearable.

Sincerely,
Me

I can no longer

I can no longer act like I am "ok"

I can no longer be your friend

I can no longer hang

I can no longer just have sex with you

Just the thought of you breaks my heart. You make me feel unwanted, unloved,  unworthy and unappreciated.  You say you have so much to say but cannot find it in you to say it, well I have so much to say also but I want to express it. 

You no longer find comfort in my company

You no longer find me as your safe place

You no longer open up to me

You no longer care for the tears I shed

You walk away each and every time a situation arises or ignore the words I express.  I love you from the deepest part of my heart and soul.

But I can no longer do this

I can no longer hold back the tears

I can no longer keep calm.

You say you need to get your shit together and I need to get my heart and head together.  I need to learn to love me without you, cause I have no idea how to do that. I miss who we used to be but I need to stop living in the past. 

We are no longer a unit.

We are no longer meant to be.

I pray for you each day and will always want the best for you.  So I shall say goodbye, and though we are forever a part of each other's life, I am walking away from you & me.

Sincerely, 

Me

New York, New York

Oh how I miss my NY, my second home. How do I go from seeing you every year to 4 years without me showing my face?

I miss the subway.
I miss the busyness.
I miss the metro cards.
I miss the HOT DOGS!!!
I miss exploring you.
I miss what you have been to me.
I miss you.

Lately friends of mine have been posting pictures of their NY experience and I am so jealous.  But don't worry, I shall be there next year. I shall bring my munchkin and show him what he's missing. Show him how full of life you are.

Sincerely,
Me

Jaz says the darnedest things // 01

Since my son has some epic things that he says I'll be posting them.

Yesterday as we chilled in grandma's room:-

Jaz: Mommy I'm hungry

Me: What do you want to eat?

Jaz: Food

Me: What food? Porridge, egg, fruit loops? 

Jaz : Banana chips

Me : That's not food. You're taking that to school anyway. 

Jaz : I want to go to school now.

He think he slick lol. Love him.

Sincerely, 

Me

Tuesday's should be his days off too

Tuesday's are my day off, no job in the day nor night. So most times I wake late and my mom doesn't rush to get ready since she doesn't have to take me to work. My son usually "suffers" because then we drop him off late and honestly half the time I don't even want to let him go, unless I have things to do on the road, because I want to just hug him up, watch cartoons with him and play games. Swear if I wasn't trying to be responsible, Tuesday's would be his days off too.

Monday my mom went to Portland and was to come back in early yesterday to take my son to school. As we waited for her to come, we sprawled all over her bed, took mirror pics, drank tea together, played and eventually a let him watch some cartoons over the net on live stream. I enjoyed every minute of it. My mom didn't reach in till late therefore Jaz, who still wanted to go to school and since I had to go on the road to deal with something, I let him ( if I didn't I would have kept him home lol), got there at something to 12.

After I finished doing what I had to do or not doing what I was supposed to do because the person I was to meet with couldn't meet anymore,  I headed home. On the way home I got a call from one of my favourite mom friends asking me to come by. Her daughter, who is her second child is a day older than Jaz. We officially met in the hospital after seeing each other at doctor visits for months. Anyway, since I was going there I decided to go get Jaz from school. Mind you it was almost 2pm therefore Jaz had only been at school for 2 hours. *covers face*

I spend so little time than I would like with him due to my jobs so when I get time with him I really don't want to let him go. So really I do believe Tuesday's should be his day off too.

 

Sincerely, 

Me

Facts

So every now and then I shall divulge 10-20 facts about myself, the good the bad and the ugly lol.

1. I love the beach. A mean how can you not? When I am there I am just in utter bliss. Unfortunately I haven't been there in so long. Need to find someone to take me.
2. I loooove to read. Give me a good book and I am lost to the world.  Again something I haven't done in a long time. Sigh.  But I have created a list of books to order.
3. I don't use the first layer of a fresh role of toilet paper.  I just think its bad or whatever lol
4. Similar to above, I don't use the first dollop of a new toothpaste.  Yes I am weird.
5. I used to have a half innie now I have a full outie after having my son.
6. I love food.
7. If there are two items of product on the shelf in the supermarket I won't take it cause I don't want the other to be lonely lol.
8. I cry for every little thing now that I am a mom.
9. I have slept with 3 people in my life. I love sex but I don't sleep around.
10. If you are even a day younger than me, for some reason, I don't know, I will no longer be interested in you if I was before.  I can surely be friends with you though.
11. Since having my son, my nails and hair growth is amazing.
12. I HATE shaving but have no time to go wax. I literally shave only if I have to, if not it's shirts with sleeves and long pants, dresses or skirts for me. Or I ask my babydaddy to do the shaving, he doesn't mind and most times offer. Now I need to find another shaver.
13. I have a thing for organic products.
14. I like odd numbers.
15. My breast went from a B to a tripple D and quite possibly an E when I was pregnant with my son and while breastfeeding.
16. I am DEATHLY AFRAID of starting over with someone new. (Will elaborate in another blog post)
17. I want 5 kids, but will settle for 3.
18.  I love learning new things and teaching myself new things.
19. I had my son at 20.
20. I smoke but don't consider myself a smoker because I rarely do it. I may smoke when I go out or if I am really stressed/pissed off.

Now you know 20 things about me that you may or may not have known.

Sincerely,
Me

I want this with every fibre of my being

I know I recently said that finding time for my passion is so hard and honestly it really is, but I want this with every fibre of my being.  I am going to bawl like a bitch because it won't be easy and I don't have the support or financial means to get things done but I am going to work like a mothafucker (pardon my french) to get where I want to be.

Becoming a mother is my biggest inspiration.  All that I am and all that I want to do is centred around motherhood. I love kids and always have.  I want to be able to live a life that is fulfilling.  Travel and spend time with my son is the reason why I want to work this hard with the hopes of giving back to those less fortunate.

I have a dream and I will work in silence to make my dreams come true, one step at a time (as best as I can cause I am one to want to get everything done one time). It will happen,  I know it will and when it does I am going to bawl like a bitch yet again for reaching that point.

With God by my side everything will be alright.

Sincerely,
Me

Why I cut my locs

Though I miss them and yes I did want a change, there is a deeper meaning to it and after reflecting on the fact,  I now know why.

I started my locs around the same time my son's father and I started going around. So for me both journey's intertwine. We have had some ups and many downs over the past years, but now things have reached a dead end and I can't see where we can move forward together from this. With the end of our journey,  I shed my locs.

I have loved him probably from the first day we met ( he is my love at first sight) and I will love him till my last breath. I gave him all of me even when he didn't deserve it. He gave me the greatest gift, our son, & almost took a part of me away the day he got into a car accident.  There have been many things that have happened over the years that I wish I could forget but it is a part of us. I thought we had a bond that was unbreakable but it seems that I was wrong. He will forever be my soulmate, for more reasons than one.

He changed a lot over the years and became someone I never knew he could. Many things I could look past but some things just tore me down more and more over time so now I have reached my breaking point. What the world gets and thinks they know Is nothing close to what really is and only the people closest have an idea. Neither of us are perfect, I have made horrible mistakes and have done wrong to him also. I don't expect nor seek perfection. I look for tge best in him and know he is capable of it but I have come to the realisation that it is time for me to take myself out of the equation. Allowing for us to grow separately and individually. We share a child so our paths will cross but beyond that,  there shall be nothing more.

My hair cut wasn't just a change but a transformation. A release from a life I no longer want or that no longer brings me peace.  My love will never change, I love him with the same fierceness as the first day I met him, for who he is but my will has changed.  I am finding myself and know my worth. I no longer want to be part of something where I am not appreciated,  wanted / needed,  loved, respected or where nothing I do is good enough and my love falls on a deaf heart.

It won't be easy, and hasn't been so far, no matter how busy I am. I cry many times and think about him constantly but I also pray a lot both for him and for myself. God will see me through and I will find the right one for me.

I will grow my locs again, but it will start another chapter in my life, full of love, happiness and respect.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from ANYTHING that no longer, serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

Sincerely,
Me

Finding time for my passion

I am a creative being. I live for art, design, anything that makes me use my imagination and brings me to a play not confined by normalcy and structure.

From I was a little girl I have been dabbling in the arts. Loved drawing things around me. When I was around 17 I did a summer course in Interior Design at Paeson: The New School. Then for a while after that I lost it, or at least it went into hidding. I would write poetry here and there and thoughts but my drawing and artistic energy dwindled.  Basically I lost myself. Then finally last year summer, while I wasn't working, I just started painting,  something I had never really done. I have always been a sketcher and love pointalisim but never really tried painting and then I did and now I love it.


In January I treated myself to a sewing machine, my baby. My passion is to create a Kid's Line. I do want to design other things but kid's items are at the forefront of my dreams. Why? I have a son. I am creative. I find the clothing in Jamaica limited with style for kids, let alone boys. I love anything kids ( this has always been me). My Kid's Line won't just stop at clothing but I intend to create a collection,  from accessories to kid's home decor. It excites me jus thinking about it.

The depression sets in because finding the time and money to make this dream come true is so hard. I work two jobs and still literally live paycheck to paycheck. So my time is beyond limited.  I sew in the little free Time I have which I have to balance between cleaning, getting other things done and giving my son my attention. Lord knows I wish I never had to work this hard. I keep telling myself maybe whatever hour I reach home, I should just try and get some sewing done but then I am already sleep deprived, what good will that do me?

I guess time will tell. I won't give up on my dream. I knpw what I want and I will work as hard as I can to get it.

Sincerely, 

Me

Keep your love, just give me your respect

What is love really?  I am still trying to figure that out. I understand the love between a mother and child but what is love between a man and woman?. Cause what I thought was, isn't anymore. People who love each other don't treat them the way he does.

I have reached a point where I no longer seek his love, just give me respect. I know I am not perfect,  I have made mistakes and like every human being, I have flaws but I do know that I am a good friend and whenever someone I care about needs me, to talk to or to get them out of a bind, I give of myself 100%.

I work really hard and love just the same.  I will never beg someone to give me love or affection and I don't think I deserve to be treated however one feels like. I am not a play thing, if you love me then love me, wholeheartedly,  unconditionally,  irrevocably and pure or nothing at all.

Dear Self,

You are not a " play thing " or an option.  You're not disposable or unimportant.  You are worthy of time, gentleness and adoration. Please don't settle or worry; timing is everything and there is a love especially for you. 

Love

Self

- Alex Elle 

 

So keep your love, but give me the respect I deserve.

Sincerely,
Me

Daddy Issues

Earlier this year I told my dad that I would stop trying to contact him or ask for any help whatsoever from him. Today for a slight moment I almost went back on that vow to message him for some cash cause I am broke.  The moment passed and I am glad I didn't.

A little history about our relationship:
My dad left Jamaica when I was a lil over one or somewhere along that line. I never saw him again till I was 10 when I flew up to New York, where he lices, with family. Since that time I would always go and visit him during the summer time.
I have always thought our relationship to be awkward.  I tell people all the time that I am the epitome of what my father is against based on his religion, which I still up to this day know really what he is. I have tattooes, I had locs, I wear pants, and there are many more things that I am sure if he knew I did, he would not approve of.
Whenever I would visit him, he would drag me everywhere, which I hated and resulted in me hating NY until I was of the age to roam all on my own, and now I am inlove.
My biggest issue with him was that he never really tried to be there for me. If I was never up there with him, He wouldn't really call me or message me. I would have to be thE one to reach out to him. He never seemed to be interested enough to enquire about my life, it's just cause I tend to chat a lot and probably was trying to reach out to him that he knew some things in my life.
Growing up and even up to this day I always would question myself as to what was wrong with me, why my father never tried to really be there.
Then outside of that, anytime I needed help financially,  he rarely pulled through. Always with some excuse or he would say he was sending some money and days later I still don't get it and when I try and get him I can't until weeks or montgs later. He is the kind of father that my mom and I would have to hound down for money and Lord bless us if we got him to send which basically what he would send was never really enough.
He has never seen my son and he never really enquires about him really. He seems interested when I speak of him, somewhat. I do realise that he isn't an affectionate person which funnily I have become like that and probably only am really affectionate with my son. I find it really hard to open up and only few people may experience it. I think that's why I am beyond sarcastic and always have some smart comment.

Earlier this year I adked him to help me on some back payments with my student loan and once again he never pulled through, still with the excuses or just going completely m.i.a. So for me that was the last straw, I just couldn't believe he yet again did this to me, so I kindly told him that it would be the last I asked for his help. He never responded and its been almost 4 months now since and I still haven't heard from him. Guess I was neither here nor there in his life.


When I was pregnant with my son, my due date was supposed to be the 16th of sept if I remember correctly (its been 3 yrs, I can't recall every detail lol) and people kept saying, what if he comes early. I prayed day and night that my son wasn't born on my father's birthday.

His absence and Uncaring attitude towards me makes me work so hard to make something of myself. I thank God for my mother who has been there for me, both as a mother and a father.

I honestly believe though I have the worst luck with men, I always seem to give so much of myself and not get it back in return.  Maybe I am trying too hard to fill a void where my father left. God gave me a son for a reason and one day he will send my king also.

Maybe for some, my daddy issue is pety but for me it means alot.

Sincerely,
Me

Mother's Day

Woke up to a kiss and hug from my son along with a flower and then later a card. God knew what he was doing when he made me become a mother. I have yet to find anything more fulfilling than being a mother. My son is my happy place and I am so blessed to have him. Though my pregnancy was not the best or the ideal situation but all the stress and hurt I endured was worth it and I would go through it all over again for my munchkin.

We spent the day together, he was up to his antics while I watched on and basked in the moment of the overwhelming love I felt in being a mother. Then to top it off, before my son and I got ready to go on the road cause I had work and was taking him with me, he turns to me, hugs me and says "Mommy you're the best", this brought tears to my eyes, while my heart swelled with love. It was so good having him at work (my second job where I cashier at a restaurant and bar called Countryside Club). Since we were having a mother's day dinner, my grandmother was there, my mother (who manages the place) and my cousin. It was really a family affair.

As for instagram, I definitely flooded it with pictures of me and my son along with quotes about mothers. I also received many messages and well wishes for that day. I am truly blessed and thank God for choosing me as the vessel to carry my son, my babydaddy for giving me my child and my son for making me a mother. Of it weren't for them, my life would not be them same.

From left to right: my grandmother,  my cousin, my mother, me and my son

Me and my son

Sincerely, 

Me

Confession: I miss my locs

So after having my locs for almost 8 yrs I decided last month to cut them and pull them out. Whhhyyyy oh whyyyy did I do that??? I am not saying I don't love my natural hair, it's just that I miss my locs. They were so long and gorgeous.

My locs before I cut them shorter

My locs when I cut them into a bob 

Reason for cutting them is just that I wanted a change, also I have been stressing quite a bit, deep down and I guess cutting my hair was a way to release. I just felt like I wasn't in control of a lot of things in my life and haven't been so cutting my hair was the only control I had. Luckily,  it is just hair and I can grow it back and shall loc my hair back for sure. Sometimes when I see someone with locs I think to myself "mine was sooo much longer than that" "mine was soo much nicer" lol. Sigh

All I can do is be patient, love self, locs or not and be happy with who I am. It's a new journey and a chance to reinvent myself.

My hair now 

Sincerely, 

Me

A love falling on a deaf heart

It's exhausting trying to convince someone that you love them. No matter what you say or do they are just not seeing nor believing.

When I was in my teens, I used to find it hard to express my feelings because I felt like it made me weak and allowed for someone else to have something over me. But when I do find the courage, which for some time now I have, to express how I feel, beleive that whatever is said comes from the heart. The Sagittarius in me finds it hard not to be straightforward with what is being said.

I love to love and when I do I love really hard. So it pains me that each and every time I do express this feeling, its as if it falls on a deaf heart. Therefore I have decided that I will not force my love on anyone who doesn't want to accept it. 

"Speak your heart. If they don't understand,  the message was never meant for them anyway. " -Yasmin Mogahed

He used to understand my heart but now he doesn't anymore. I guess the message is no longer meant for him.

There is no pleasure or joy in locking out love. Our hearts don't always match the beat of another but turning off the sound won't help it create song with the one that is right for it.

Sincerely,
Me

Why blog?

"I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable. " -Alex Elle

I have never been one to really hold my tongue.  I have no secrets to hide and don't mind sharing my truth to others. I will however try as best to not divulge any details about others in my life, directly.

This is just my journey as a single mother and how I am finding myself,  loving myself, loving my son and learning to accept the things I cannot change in my life.

In posts to follow I will tell you more about me and where I am coming from. Basically help catch you up to life at present.

Sincerely
Me