Earlier this year I told my dad that I would stop trying to contact him or ask for any help whatsoever from him. Today for a slight moment I almost went back on that vow to message him for some cash cause I am broke. The moment passed and I am glad I didn't.
A little history about our relationship:
My dad left Jamaica when I was a lil over one or somewhere along that line. I never saw him again till I was 10 when I flew up to New York, where he lices, with family. Since that time I would always go and visit him during the summer time.
I have always thought our relationship to be awkward. I tell people all the time that I am the epitome of what my father is against based on his religion, which I still up to this day know really what he is. I have tattooes, I had locs, I wear pants, and there are many more things that I am sure if he knew I did, he would not approve of.
Whenever I would visit him, he would drag me everywhere, which I hated and resulted in me hating NY until I was of the age to roam all on my own, and now I am inlove.
My biggest issue with him was that he never really tried to be there for me. If I was never up there with him, He wouldn't really call me or message me. I would have to be thE one to reach out to him. He never seemed to be interested enough to enquire about my life, it's just cause I tend to chat a lot and probably was trying to reach out to him that he knew some things in my life.
Growing up and even up to this day I always would question myself as to what was wrong with me, why my father never tried to really be there.
Then outside of that, anytime I needed help financially, he rarely pulled through. Always with some excuse or he would say he was sending some money and days later I still don't get it and when I try and get him I can't until weeks or montgs later. He is the kind of father that my mom and I would have to hound down for money and Lord bless us if we got him to send which basically what he would send was never really enough.
He has never seen my son and he never really enquires about him really. He seems interested when I speak of him, somewhat. I do realise that he isn't an affectionate person which funnily I have become like that and probably only am really affectionate with my son. I find it really hard to open up and only few people may experience it. I think that's why I am beyond sarcastic and always have some smart comment.
Earlier this year I adked him to help me on some back payments with my student loan and once again he never pulled through, still with the excuses or just going completely m.i.a. So for me that was the last straw, I just couldn't believe he yet again did this to me, so I kindly told him that it would be the last I asked for his help. He never responded and its been almost 4 months now since and I still haven't heard from him. Guess I was neither here nor there in his life.
When I was pregnant with my son, my due date was supposed to be the 16th of sept if I remember correctly (its been 3 yrs, I can't recall every detail lol) and people kept saying, what if he comes early. I prayed day and night that my son wasn't born on my father's birthday.
His absence and Uncaring attitude towards me makes me work so hard to make something of myself. I thank God for my mother who has been there for me, both as a mother and a father.
I honestly believe though I have the worst luck with men, I always seem to give so much of myself and not get it back in return. Maybe I am trying too hard to fill a void where my father left. God gave me a son for a reason and one day he will send my king also.
Maybe for some, my daddy issue is pety but for me it means alot.
Sincerely,
Me
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